La Tristesse

Oh my god how times have changed

these girls must be blind

or completely deranged

but time seemed to halt

when I was miss baltimore crabs

(spoken)amber that move is far too dirty

Mother wake up from that dream of yours

this isn't 1930

(sung) you can laugh but lives a test

don't do this don't do that

remember mother knows best

for the crowns in the vault

from when I won miss baltimore crabs

these steps are perfect ammunition

let me show you how your mummy dear

took out the competition

girls go get 'em boys let's rumba

1,2,3,4,5,6

those poor runner ups might still hold some grudges

they padded their cups

but I screwed the judges

those broads thought they'd win

if a plate they could spin in their dance nor a chance

boys put me down

(spoken) oh good morning ladies

let's see what you've got

(sung) twist, twist, twist, twist

mashed potato mambo

ready begin

on my show you'll never find

a thrusting hip or bump or grind

what's that a dance for fleas and ticks

oh you should have seen my bag of tricks

oh I hit the stage batons ablaze

while belting aida and preparing souffles

but that triple somersault

is how I clinched miss baltimore crabs

are you scared were on live

no I'm sure I can cope

well this show isn't broadcast in cinemascope

I never drank one chocolate malt

no dessert for miss baltimore crabs

this one will never get a date

in these hand me down clothes

ha kid she'll never get a date

till daddy buys her a new nose

I would say oy gevalt

if I wasn't miss baltimore crabs

do you dance like you dress

amber there's no reason to be cruel

would you swim in an integrated pool

(spoken) I sure would I'm all for integration

its the new frontier

not in baltimore it isn't

and may I be frank

(sung) first impressions can be tough

and when I saw you knew it

if your size weren't enough

your last answer just blew it

and so my dear so short and stout

you'll never be in so were kicking you out

with your form and your face

oh well it isn't your fault

your just down with a case of

miss baltimore crabs